


My Never

by Conspiracy



Category: sweet pool
Genre: M/M, get ready for this one, id say au shit but this is more like an offshoot of canon, its not like the rest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-05
Updated: 2014-05-05
Packaged: 2018-01-22 00:04:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 865
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1568738
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Conspiracy/pseuds/Conspiracy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Makoto gets out of the mental hospital they put him in after he ate Youji, because he just has to see Zenya again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	My Never

**Author's Note:**

> named for the song i was listening to when i wrote it because i couldnt think of a better name  
> this one is mostly unbetad i think  
> once again dedicated to the zen to my mako, rinrin <3

"Sorry I'm so late." 

The brunet spoke wth a tone near tears, twirling a single yellow Lily in between his fingertips.

He stood before a grave, Zenyas grave, and through all the 'rehabilitation'he had had to go through to get to this point, he had never fully prepared for what he would feel when he forced himself to be here.

Anguish, because he had lost him. Regret, shame, because he could have never been there for him, not like he had wanted to be. A sick kind of joy, he had made it here to begin with, he had passed all his tests with flying colors. 

Sure, he had thought about it a lot, ever since the first day the blonde hadn't shown up to see him; It was the whole reason he had pushed so hard to get out. He had to say a more proper goodbye, had to get some sort of closure. 

Had to repay the kindness he had been shown, to come see him when he was sure that no one else would. 

But actually standing here, was, well....overwhelming, to say the least. 

"It took me a long time to get out, but I'm free now. I think....you would be proud of me, happy. I would tell you.....that I couldn't have done it without you, if I could. You deserve to know. But I guess that's why I'm here, isn't it?" 

 

The tears that streamed down his face ( When had he actually started crying? ) and clogged his throat threatened to choke him, and he mopped them up off his cheeks with his wristband, knowing he had to talk through them anyway. 

"There were so many things you deserved that you never got to have; a family, a real life. I could have given them to you, could have tried...."

He trailed off when a sob wracked his frame and it was all he could do not to fall to his knees, his grip tightening on the bright green stem of the flower he held, it having been picked long enough ago that one of the petals was missing. 

Zenya had always hated when he said things like that, and he knew it, but Makoto felt like it just wouldn't be right if, wherever he was, he didn't get to hear it again.  
Like maybe he would be disappointed, or something. 

"I wish it could have....been that easy for us. Like, maybe.....if we had met as normal guys, we could have.....gotten married, had kids. The whole nine yards, apple pie picket fence life. Man, you would have loved it, s-smiled all the time....."

That was another fantasy he had entertained, even though all it was was acid applied directly to his heart. He had known all along it would never happen, they both had.  
There was a swift rush of air, the scent of Earth and stillness, and now he was on his knees, sobs threatening to overtake him in a way that made his entire frame shake. 

"I'll never.....never get to make you happy now. Maybe that's not......o-okay with me, but.....maybe somebody else can. I think......that might be...okay, yeah?"

Years ago, that thought would have repulsed him, but now it almost seemed to be like a liferaft in the sea of emotion he was set to drown in. 

As long as Zenya was happy somewhere.....

Well, moving on had never been his own strong point. 

With a shaky hand, he placed the flower he held in front of the marble headstone he had been conversing with up to this point. 

"This reminded me.....of you, the way your hair looked........under flourescents. The lady tried over and over, to.....to sell me a whole one, but. She just didn't get it, and I guess.....most people wouldn't. But you would. That sometimes.....damage can make something that much more.......beautiful." 

He rose on shaky legs, once more wiping his face with his damp wristband. 

His time here was running out, and he knew it. There were things he had to do, as much as he just wanted to lay down here and maybe never move again.

"I'll be back tomorrow, I.....promise. I....." he paused, not so much unsure of what he had been about to say as he had been that he could say it at all without his voice cracking, taking a deep breath before he started again. 

"I love you, Zenya, and...'m sorry.....that I didn't get to say that more when you were......around to hear it. I'll be better from now on....you'll see." 

A sudden cool wind blew to ruffle his hair and wrap around his frame, and he couldn't help but stand there for a moment to enjoy it, to ruminate on if it meant something more than it did, and he could almost hear Zenyas' high tenor saying that he forgave him, that he believed in him, but that most of all he loved him, too. 

It was gone as soon as it had come, though, and with a soft sigh he turned on his heel and started to walk away.


End file.
